Beauty

just finish removing my make up. before removing my make up, i was kind of awe how much the make up actually covers up my pimples, blackhead, pores etc and makes me a bit confident..i mumbled, "that's why some girls love make up so much." it's a tool that can make you pretty and beautify yourself. but at the end of the day, we do need to remove out make up and face the reality...i know some really have perfect skins and such..during hari raya, my self esteem plunges down when i see my cousins were so pretty and elegant and there's me..so big and unattractive...don't talk about losing weight..not again...lose weight to look pretty and such but what if i am happy with who i am no matter what body size i'm in...do we really need to be thin to be pretty? that's the question i always i have..."lose weight so that you look pretty." i was seriously awe at some of my cousins' beauty and i was jealous but should i be jealous? i have cousins who are younger than me who are getting married and in a relationship now...so is it because i am fat and doesn't wear make up every single day, that's why i am losing out to them..i guess so if you ask the public...i am always taking it slow and let time tells the whole story..beauty comes first before character i perhaps... people will be like "you are just jealous that's why you are stating that." yes people, i am jealous but it was just for that moment i am jealous but life moves on...

Emptiness...

i am feeling unwanted right now.people are busy with life so am i. i guess i made people angry at my workplace for my constant UL. well i guess i am just lazy and nothing to look forward. gosh why am i thinking that way? yes i am lazy...maybe it is just me. plain lazy but yet again if i am at home i never do anything. gosh salina..you are confusing... like i told teacher salha just now i can no longer run away from work to go to school and no other reason that i can go half day...like teacher marina said " you are no longer schooling that people need to give in to you." i admit i am at wrong and people are mad at me... i am naughty...i am telling myself that this month of august i shall be a good girl and no more on UL and what not...dear me, please co-operate...at work i don't really talk to anyone..though i am close to teacher marina but at times, i feel that i am a bad teacher looking at how she is preparing all her stuff...all those 15 mths of training you are going to let it go salina... i have to stop blaming others and point to my own mistakes... i guess i shall leave the group chat that i am in and not communicate with other teachers for awhile..i don't belong to any group of teachers..neither the english teacher nor the other clique...i am alone i guess...blame myself for this..so i exited already...people won't realize...hehe..did that once...i guess this is the emptiness you felt when you are not trying to get closer to your Creator... after Ramadhan left, i guess i stop all the deeds..it can't stop as it is part of Muslim's way of life. we do not aim for this world but for hereafter..i have to start it back and remind myself that today maybe the last day you live and do you have enough deeds and deens to face the angel of death and answer their questions...